As Long as I'm Living, My Baby You'll Be
By Katie Black
7/23/20263 min read
As Long as I’m Living, My Baby You’ll Be
Nine years ago today was your due date. It was the day before your Grammy’s birthday. I hadn’t gone into labor yet, so there was a possibility that you and Grammy could have shared a birthday.
Love You Forever by Robert Munsch, which is now almost 40 years old, was read to me by your Grammy countless times when I was a child. A few years ago, I learned that Munsch wrote the book after he and his wife experienced the heartbreaking loss of their second stillborn baby. I don't believe I've ever read it to Marshall or Emerson, and honestly, I don't know if I could make it through the book without falling apart.
I had no idea how much my story was going to change nine years ago. When Bryan and I got married, my inherited bonus babies, Tahlia and Arianna, were 17 and 15 years old. I thought we would only have one baby because we already had two amazing girls! It’s funny when a control freak like me thinks I'm in charge, forgetting that God has already written my story.
Losing you was not only devastating—it was life-changing. I still carry the guilt and heartbreak every single day.
Finding out I was pregnant with my first rainbow baby, Marshall, came at a time when I desperately needed hope. While I wasn’t angry with God, I was in a very dark place. I didn’t care about myself or my health. I thought, If I die, I’ll just get to be with my baby in Heaven. I hated Earth because it felt like a cruel place where my only baby had died.
Once I found out I was pregnant with Marshall, I knew I had to take my health very seriously. At 35 weeks, my water broke, and just 19 hours later, Marshall made his appearance! I still remember the happy tears of joy I cried when they placed my healthy baby boy in my arms. He is so special, funny, and kind.
In June of 2021, I found out I was pregnant again. This would be my next little girl. I already had her name picked out: Elizabeth Grace Black. I didn’t stay pregnant long enough for us to find out the baby's gender, but my mom and I were certain she was Avery’s heavenly sister. Sadly, she stopped growing around seven weeks, and I miscarried at nine weeks. I couldn’t believe I had lost another baby.
Fast forward to July 2022, when I found out Rainbow Baby #2 was on the way! We definitely had no idea what we were in for. Your little brother, Emerson, arrived on February 2, 2023, and it’s been a wild ride ever since.
During my pregnancy with Emerson, doctors discovered abnormal cells on my cervix. That led to close monitoring, and those abnormal cells eventually became cervical cancer. Had I not had a Pap smear because of my pregnancy, we may never have known, and the cancer could have spread to other parts of my body. Before Emerson turned one, I had a hysterectomy, and I have been cancer-free ever since.
I’m recounting all of this today because you, Avery Elizabeth, were the beginning of a journey I never knew was ahead of me. I consider all of my babies life-changing—and, in many ways, life-saving. It all began the day you were born into Heaven.
I cannot put into words how much I long for the day I get to be with you again. You changed me forever, and I would do it all again just to hold you one more time.
Happy due date and early 9th birthday, baby girl.
Your momma loves you so much.