Living With a Broken Heart

Living With a Broken Heart

My post contentIt's one week before Avery's 3rd birthday. The last week has been hard. The whole month of July has been hard. And this week will be very hard.

When I was young and dumb I thought I knew the pain of a broken heart. Most of the time it seems that heartbreak is often associated with the ending of a relationship or at least that's what I thought. As a naive twenty something, after every break up with a boyfriend I was so "heartbroken" as if my world was ending. Clearly, I recovered from those break ups and finally found the man whom God intended for me to be with who is also the father of my beautiful babies.

I'm in no way trying to discount anyone's heartbreak after the end of a relationship but for me all those feelings I had in the past seem so minimal.

heartbreak, noun
: crushing grief, anguish, or distress

Yes, CRUSHING. Some days are so overwhelming that it feels as though there is a hole in my chest. Like my heart is actually broken. Sometimes it's overwhelming guilt. Was there something I didn't do? Something I didn't say? If Avery had lived, would Marshall not be here now? He has recently started playing with her at home. He knows her name and goes to her picture, shows her his toy cars and has even tried to share his juice with her. I find myself often daydreaming about how it would be if they were both here on Earth, watching them play together in my mind.

As I continue this journey of living with a broken heart I thank God that it has made me and my family more humble rather than resentful and angry. Avery showed us how to love more deeply and I'm grateful that God chose me to be her mother. Although there are bad days where our longing to hold her in our arms again can be so devastatingly overwhelming, God knows our pain and knows our hearts need healing. Healing, in any sense, takes time and often we are never the same.

If you are brokenhearted and don't know where to turn, remember that God is close to you and you are never alone. We are here for you and although everyone's grief and heartbreak are not the same, there is always hope.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. -Psalm 34:18